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A Healthy Relationship:
- involves two people who feel good about themselves and each other;
- is a friendship - not just a physical relationship;
- accepts the need for privacy on both sides;
- allows for differences of opinion;
- does not make unrealistic demands on either partner;
- allows for equal sharing of power and control;
- is basically calm - not frantic; and/or
- should be fun and enjoyable.
Also ...
Know yourself - it is important to know yourself before you fall in love. Healthy relationships allow you time and space to maintain your own life and time to pursue you own interests, as well as enjoying the time you spend together.
Know your rights - relationships are about mutual respect. In any relationship you have the right to expect to share equally in decision making. If the other person always makes decisions about where you will go together and who you will spend time with then this could be an indicator of someone who likes to have power and control in a relationship.
You also have the right to:
- express your opinions and have them respected (even if your partner does not agree with you);
- take the relationship slow and only progress at your own pace;
- have your feelings about any sexual activities respected;
- have your physical and emotional needs regarded as important as your partner's; and
- not be physically, sexually or emotionally abused.
Know the danger signs - You can tell if you are in an abusive relationship by keeping an eye out for these danger signs:
Codependent Relationships
Codependency
Identifying Codependent Behavior.
* Do you feel responsible for other peoples problems?
* Do you feel responsible to help people solve thier problems?
* Do you feel Guilt or anger when your help isn't effective?
* Do you find yourself saying Yes when you mean NO, and doing things you really don't want to do?
* Do you try to Please other's instead of yourself?
* Do you feel bored or worthless when you don't have a crisis in your life, or a problem to solve, or someone to help?
These are just some of the signs of codependency.
One of the most important steps to feeling better is to take stock in the people you have surrounded yourself with.
You may need to detach yourself from some of these people.
Detachment has many rewards like: Serenity, a deep sence of peace, and the freedom to find solutions to your own problems.
Then you need to learn to say No when you mean No.
As a child one of the first words we learn is NO , but as adults No becomes one of the hardest things to say.
when you can learn to say No when you mean No you will start to feel better, Practice saying No, sometimes is it as easy as just not answering the phone.
Are you the person all of your friends go to with all of thier problems, But when you have a problem you have no where or no one to turn to, If that is the case your friends are not really your friends.
In this case detachment may be the best solution, at least until you have taken time to start taking care of yourself.
start putting yourself first, Stop giving to people, That don't give back.
As soon as you can do this you will feel better.
Abusive Relationships
There are always warning signs that a relationship could become abusive. Some of the items listen here mean that the relationship has ALREADY reached that point. Please see our Resources page for assistance on removing yourself safely from an abusive relationship.
- Your partner has a history of abusive behavior. Violence in previous relationships, brushes with the law, restraining orders filed against him or her, and a pattern of abusing children and/or animals are all clues.
- May drive fast and recklessly to frighten and intimidate you into bending to his will. May threaten to or actually leave victim in a dangerous place alone if she refuses.
- Childhood history of abuse or witnessing abuse. A person who was abused or witnessed family violence or abuse is more likely to become an abuser.
- Physical and verbal domination. A person who directs the movements of a partner or takes a threatening or dominating posture is likely an abuser. This means they attempt to control you by being bossy and demanding,
- Verbally abuses, threatens, or puts down a partner. Calls you names, insults, belittles or refuses to listen to your thoughts or feelings or opinons. Constantly interrupts, corrects or contradicts as if he is more important and always right.
- May threaten to hurt or kill you, your children or pets; may brandish a weapon to increase fear level.
- Rigid sex-role stereotyping. A belief in male authority and the belief in punishing a partner is a strong clue. Someone who economically controls a partner or sexually dominates or controls a partner is abusive.
- Social isolation. Attempts to isolate partner from relatives and friends; may prevent or discourage you from working, attending school, even visiting your parents.
- Poor employment history. Loses one job after another. May be late or absent from work repeatedly because of violent crises or substance abuse. Some abusers also exhibit an inability to take direction or criticism and fly into a rage.
- A lack of boundaries. A person who is unable to or refuses to recognize the needs or interests of a partner could be abusive. Tells your secrets, insists on touching when you say “no” etc.
- Lying, breaking promises, ignoring, ridiculing or dismissing needs of partner; destroying trust.
- Denial, justification or blaming others for his/her own actions. Claims you are responsible for his or her emotional state and blames you for the mistreatment he or she inflicts. A person who is not remorseful and blames others for self-inflicted problems might also be an abuser.
- Inability to handle frustration. Someone who explodes over minor problems and cannot control anger might be abusive. Other warning signs include physical acting out, property destruction and dangerous driving.
- Emotional immaturity. An inability to articulate feelings is a warning sign.
- Suicide threats or attempts. A person who threatens suicide, especially if a partner plans to leave, could become homicidal/suicidal.
- Engages in substance abuse. Alcohol and drug abuse often accompanies domestic violence, but it is not the cause of the abuse.
- Is obsessively jealous or possessive towards you with no justifiable reason; accuses you of flirting or cheating without cause.
- Pressures you sexually. Demands sexual activities you are not comfortable with (unsafe sex or “freaky” sex acts), or forces himself on you when you are ill, not in the mood, not interested, or asleep.
- May hurt you sexually by using objects or weapons orally, anally or vaginally against your will.
- Deprives you of resources to meet basic needs such as water, food, sanitary supplies, shoes or medicine. May take your car or money.
- Refuses to lend assistance when victim is sick or injured.
- Monitors your time, appearance, telephone calls, whereabouts. May exhibit stalking behaviors.
- May control all household finances and force you to account for what you spend.
- Destroys car, gifts, housing or clothing, or removes from the home your personal property, keepsakes, mementos or sentimental items that he/she feels somehow “take away” from your relationship with him or her.
- Has a history of bad relationships yet tries to convince you that YOU are different and that YOU would not be treated in that manner.
- Your family and friends have warned you about the person or told you that they are concerned for your safety or emotional well being.
- You walk on eggshells and find yourself worrying about how to say things to him or her, or how he or she will react to things you say or do.
- Pushes, hits, slaps, punches, kicks, bites, twists arms, pulls hair, pokes, pushes, chokes, burns, strangles, drags by hair arm or leg, scratches, ties or holds down either you or your children. May throw things at you.
- Repeatedly has affairs that hurt you and somehow attempts to make it your fault.
- Makes "jokes" at your expense or comments that shame, humiliate, ridicule, disrespect, demean or embarrass you, whether privately or around family and friends.
- You leave and then return to your partner repeatedly, against the advice of your friends, family and loved ones. You have trouble ending the relationship, even though you know inside it's the right thing to do.
Entering A New Relationship
Entering into a new relationship is always a difficult choice, in the beginning, you are blinded by your desire for that special person to like you. Thus comes the vicious cycle, you want to impress your potential beau, so desperate that you would be willing to pretend and sacrifice yourself. You think, for the sake of this relationship, I will do what makes him/her happy, even though I am putting "myself" out of the picture. You are glad to see the result of your sacrifice, however, deep down there’s a twinkling of bitterness within you.
You think that love is sacrificing yourself, and that he/she would’ve done the same for you. So sometimes you would repress/suppress your own feeling for the fulfillment of the relationship, you insist on pretending, and faking another being. Maybe after a year or so it doesn’t bother you, however, the years keep adding, and the twinkling of bitterness has added like one small grain of salt, building up each day to the point where the grains of bitterness has piled up into an avalanche. You are about to vent, because you can't hold it any longer. Being yourself is no longer important in this relationship, and the meaning of "self" is foreign, you start to question if this makes you happy. You start thinking that you long to be yourself again, how once you felt free to do what you please. Now a days, you must think and see your beau’s facial reaction before being yourself. Strings of torture are unwrapped in this way, in the beginning it maybe nothing, however, in the end, it could built up to be a rope hanging over a branch.
So before you enter into a relationship, please be honest with yourself and your future beau. Don’t try to impress her/him by telling her/him lies and suppress your point of views. If it were me, I would be blunt but soft, I would definitely point out my bad habits in a conversation. There are lots of ways to present yourself, so think about it. If you weren’t honest about it, in the end, the relationship would be a big waste of time. Be yourself, it’s easier on you two.
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